I want to be famous on the internet

Can someone please tell me how to make this happen? Thanks.

Also: I wish I had never lost my ability to just sit down and write anything. When did I lose that passion? Let me post this question in a more general way, and maybe then someone can provide me with an answer.

Why do our passions fade away?

I hesitate to say that I lost my passion for writing. Perhaps what I mean to say is that I've simply lost the ability to channel the thoughts in my head into writing on paper. Or on a computer. Whatever. I think it started to fade when I started college two years ago. I was so focused on trying to get all of my work accomplished and on getting my college career started off right that I no longer had time to write down whatever happened to pop into my head. Or perhaps I never allowed myself time to do so. In any event, the only writing I do anymore is for papers and the occasional post here.

I don't really know where I was going with that. I'm just rambling.

Speaking of papers, I have four due in the next week and a half. I guess I should go get started on those.

Toodle loo!

Facebook

Facebook keeps making these suggestions about people I should be friends with or groups I should join. Its latest thing is to suggest that you write on the wall of someone you haven't spoken to in a while. The person it suggested I "reconnect" with was my friend Jeffrey. He passed away in February.

:[[

I can't believe it's been 8 months already. I can't believe it happened in the first place.

I miss you, Jeffrey. I hope the music in heaven is as beautiful as yours. <3

Tweet tweet

I blog better in 140 characters or less.

www.twitter.com/cactuslacy

In other news, I had my first experience as a teacher today. Let's just say that it's a good thing I'm still in school. I've got a TON to learn.

Not much else to say. October has been a pretty depressing month so far. I really wish the sun would come back. I also wish Texas trees would look more like this:

...and less like this:

Glee and Flash Forward are calling my name. 'Til next time.

Still not dead...

...just a negligent blogger.

Nothing really exciting is going on in my life right now. I'm super stressed with school but I think that's mostly my doing. Especially when you take into account the fact that I procrastinate on everything and rarely finish the reading assignments for my classes.

But whatever.

I'm at the library right now with Courtney. I already finished what I came here to work on (hence the blogging), and now I'm just waiting for her to finish so we can go home and go to sleep.

See? Boring life.

Well I hope this entry hasn't put anyone to sleep. This is pretty much my life right now. Boring and sleepless. I have some pretty bitchin roommates, though, so that makes things a little more exciting.

Right. It's two in the morning and I obviously have no idea what I'm saying, so I'm just gonna stop now.

Peace.

I'm not dead yet

Hello interwebz!

I don't really know why I'm addressing the entire internet. I really should just address Tricia since I'm pretty sure she's the only one who reads this.

Anyway, hello to Tricia and to anyone else who happened to stumble upon this. I would just like to inform you that contrary to what my posting habits may have led you to believe, I am not, in fact, dead. I'm quite alive, actually, just very, very inactive.

I don't have much to talk about in this post, but I'm planning on writing an entry soon on all of the books I've read so far this summer. That number is constantly climbing, however, so we'll see how well that endeavor goes.

In other news, I have been to four states in the past two weeks: Florida, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Michigan. The first was on a trip with the college choir from my church, the next two while I was visiting my college roommate, and the fourth.... well, that memory is still a little too fresh and equal parts painful and embarassing, so I'll leave that for another post. Probably one in which I recount my travels in more detail.

One more thing before I resume wandering about the internet instead of enjoying the beautiful (and extraordinarily hot) weather: I've recently become a fan of the Vlogbrothers. They are brothers (surprise) who have decided to cease all textual communication and communicate only by a daily vlog which they post to a YouTube channel they share. They're both uber nerdy and hilariously awesome. I highly recommend that you check them out.

Til next time!

P.S. I'm sorry the format fails.... I've tried numerous times to fix it but the paragraphs are determined to stay single-spaced. Boo :[

Summer lovin'

Or lovin summer, however you want to put it. I spent virtually the entire day outside today reading, swimming, and just generally enjoying the sunshine. The picture is the view of my backyard from where I sat while I read. God bless summer and sunny, cloudless days :)

Mobile blogging... Woo!

I just downloaded this app on my iPhone that will let me post pictures here and add titles and descriptions and all that jazz. Woohoo! The goofy-lookin kid in the picture is my brother. He's graduating in June and he was modeling his cap and gown for us the other night. I'm not sure what that expression is on his face, though...

I haven't been up to a whole lot since I've been home. I went to Chicago last week with my dad and had a great time. That is, until I got home and realized that I'd left virtually all of my stuff at the hotel. Don't ask how it happened, because I really have no idea. You can imagine how ridiculous I felt calling up the hotel and reporting all of my missing things. All is well, though, because they're shipping it back to me free of charge. Anyway, we got back from Chicago on Saturday, and I've been doing nothing but watching movies since. God, I love summer :)

Til next time!

My dad and I have been talking recently about how nice it would be to have iPhones, so yesterday we went to the apple store and now I have one!! (he'll get his in a couple of weeks... Long story.) so right now I'm experimenting with my first mobile blog post, even though my computer is about 5 feet from where I am right now and I could just as easily do it from there. Doing it from a phone is much more fun though. :)

My summer break started on Wednesday afternoon and I have been so relaxed and happy since then. I think most of my recent posts have been kind of depressing, or at least not very happy, but all of that has changed now that I'm home. It's really amazing how much control the environment you're in has over your mood.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm going to Chicago with my dad next week, so I'll probably be doing some more mobile
Blogging then. :) ta!

Summer

It's almost here! This is my last night at TCU for three months. I have one more exam tomorrow and then I'm OUTTA HERE!!! I really feel like the summer is going to cure everything that has gone wrong this semester. I'm going to miss my friends like crazy (especially Courtney!), but I really just need to get away from this place for a while. I've been doing some thinking since the post before last, and I really think that my living situation has been the primary reason why I've been so unhappy this semester. Everything's going to be just fine. All I have to do now is worry about making an 81 on my music history exam so I can have all A's this semester. Which means I need to go study....

Til next time:

"Faith is believing that one of two things will happen," she said. "That there will be something solid for you to stand on, or that you will be taught to fly." -- Unknown

Why do projects...

...when I can procrastinate instead?

I took a quiz on Facebook the other day expecting some silly or bogus answer (the question was "What is your life color?"), and got a rather surprising result. It is extraoridnarily accurate and has somehow managed to put into words what I previously could not. I know it sounds silly to put so much stock into an online quiz, especially one designed on Facebook, but just read the response and maybe it will make more sense.

"Fantasy, enchantment, dreams, myths, spiritual beings, angels, fairies are all concepts which fill the Lavenders' mind. Lavenders tend to live in a fantasy world. They prefer to spend their time out of their bodies, where life is pretty and enchanting. It is challenging for these airy beings to live in three-dimensional reality. Lavenders prefer imaginary pictures of the world, seeing butterflies, flowers and wood nymphs rather than dirt, concrete and large cities. Physical reality seems cold and harsh to them. These sensitive creatures are fragile and frail, and their physical appearance is often weak and pale. Lavenders' skin is often alabaster white because they don't like being outdoors, unless it is to be gently surrounded by beautiful flowers and gardens. These child-like personalities are sensitive and simple. Lavenders would rather spend time watching clouds float by or daydreaming. They prefer to escape this reality with all of its demands and responsibilities. The Lavender's behavior tends to frustrate others who may expect them to be dependable and responsible. Lavenders have no understanding of what it means to hold a responsible job or to earn money. They are more familiar with other dimensions and imagined realities. Lavenders even have a difficult time relating to or connecting with the concepts of time, space and physical matter. They tend to experience events in their imaginations, but they are not usually grounded enough in physical reality to actually accomplish anything tangible."

I've bolded the parts I found to be particuarly accurate. I think most of it speaks for itself. I have more to say about it, but I'm not really sure how to articulate it, so I'll just leave you with this instead:

Numb

I think college has smothered all feelings out of me. Or at least my ability to feel anything. I haven't been happy in a long time. I don't like my major anymore. I'm even finding it hard to be passionate about music, which is the only thing I have ever really cared about. The only other thing I could really put on that list was writing, and I haven't done any of that since the beginning of freshman year.

Where has my passion gone? Why don't I care about anything anymore? I'm burned out, and have been for a while, but can that really be the reason for this numbness?

I want the old me back. I want me pre-college. Happy and carefree and eternally optimistic.

Where did that girl go?

On a different note, I took this picture from a plane a few years ago. It makes me think that maybe things will get better someday.

The lonely are such delicate things

I haven't really been feeling like myself lately. The past few weeks have been weird. I'm never motivated to do anything, and I always want to be somewhere other than where I am. I'm restless and tired at the same time. I've been burned out since the beginning of the semester. I'm tired of being ignored by my roommate.

I just want to go home.

In other news, my Saturn ended up being totalled (I cried a little bit, I'll admit) and I got a new car last Monday. Here are some of the dealership pictures of it. It's a 2000 Saab 9-5. It has leather seats and a sunroof and her name is Sadie. :]

"The lonely are such delicate things,
The wind from a wasp could blow them
Into the sea, with rocks on their feet,
Lost to the light and the loving we need."

A Comet Appears -- The Shins

Death of a passenger-side door

Last week was probably one of the busiest and most stressful weeks I've had in a while. Needless to say, I was really looking forward to this weekend. I had it all planned out. Saturday: sleep til noon, run errands, do everything that's due Monday. Sunday: sleep til noon, go visit Tricia and Jake while they're in town. It was supposed to be a great weekend. But Murphy, whoever he was, was right: if something can go wrong, it will.

I decided to grab some lunch before I went to Walmart, so I grabbed my favorite sandwich from Quizno's to-go: the Italian. I turned out of the parking lot into the right lane and was on my merry way when a woman coming out of the next entrance down failed to see me as she came out into the street. Needless to say, she barrelled right into me:

Well, I didn't get any of my work done yesterday, and since I am now car-less, I wasn't able to go see Tricia today. Now it's 11:30 p.m., I still have a mountain of work to do, and so far this week isn't looking to be any better than the last.

Is it Spring Break, yet?!

ATX and saying goodbye to a friend

I took a trip to Austin this weekend to visit one friend and say goodbye to another.

On Saturday afternoon we had a very windy picnic on Mount Bonnell. We didn't stay for very long because the wind made the trip significantly less enjoyable than it would have been otherwise, but I did get a couple of good pictures in before we left.

(Houdini didn't go to Mount Bonnell with us, but he's still cute. :])

There was a memorial service Saturday evening for our friend Jeffrey, who passed away three weeks ago. It was a very sad sort of reunion. I saw alot of people I hadn't seen in a long time, including Christine (below), who I hadn't seen since graduation.

The service that Jeffrey's friends at UT put on for him was really good and was a great way to say goodbye, but it was so sad. I don't think the reality of his death will ever be 100% for me. How can Jeffrey, who was so alive for every moment of his life, be gone just like that? Life is precious and altogether too short, but most of all it's not fair. Why else would anyone so good be allowed to die so young?

Pictures and procrastination

I have been requested by my cousin to post some of my "amazing" pictures. I'm not sure about amazing, but here are some of my faves that I've taken recently (just for you, Trish =]) :

The Botanic Gardens in Fort Worth are a really great place to escape to if you just need to get away. I plan on making frequent trips there once the weather is more consistantly warm. :]

Me with Mika, my best friend's boyfriend's dog. They ended up having to sell her, but she's still precious. :]

Sunset on Lake Travis on New Year's Eve Day (what a mouthful!)

My parents sent me flowers for my birthday :]

They drove out to Fort Worth with my Mimi and we all went out to a really nice dinner to celebrate (my mom and I have the same birthday). This was my desert -- baked cinnamon apples. Mmmm :]

Some neat looking violins at the TMEA (Texas Music Educators Association) convention in San Antonio

This is probably my favorite part of San Antonio. I always know where I am when I'm at the Big Orange Thing! =P

And a miscellaneous macro pic... just because. :]

So there's that. In retrospect, I guess I shouldn't say that they're my favorite ones that I've taken recently, since they go all the way back to November. (They're all in chronological order, by the way.) I really do need to go do all this homework I've been putting off, though, so here's a quote to hold you over til next time:

“Just living is not enough. One much have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” – Hans Christian Anderson

Ta!

Rest in peace, Jeffrey

July 1, 1989 - February 15, 2009

You left way too soon... I still can't belive you're gone. I'm sorry that we lost touch after high school. Keep writing music up there in heaven. Rest in peace.

I hate my life

Ok, I don't really, but I do hate this music history project. I also hate the fact that I left it for the last minute, and the fact that I didn't really have much other choice because I had so much other crap to do before that.


CAN I PLEASE JUST HAVE A BREAK?! Is that really so much to ask???



I mean, really.... I can't remember the last time I went to bed before midnight, and each time I've stayed up it's been because I've had something to do.


I really don't know how I'm going to manage to finish this by tomorrow. Or today. What day is it again? Anyway, I'm going to go back to trying to do this project while still maintaining my sanity. Wish me luck.

Escape

I recently had a conversation with one of my professors about backpacking across Europe after grad school, and that idea has turned into a thought that I can't seem to get out of my head.

For the past two weeks, I've felt increasingly trapped in my life here. I feel like I'm in a cage, like I'm tied down and can't go anywhere else. What started as something to daydream about has turned into an obsession that is putting some rather surprising thoughts into my head. I want to pack up some essentials, my laptop, and my camera, get in my car, and just drive away. I want to work odd jobs here and there, just enough to earn some gas money, and keep on going. I want to go everywhere; I want to see everything. I want to meet people. I want to fall in love. I want to stay on the move and never ever settle down until I meet someone who's willing to come chase after me.

Before now, the plan has been simple: go to college, go to grad school, come back to Plano and teach. The end. Now, the thought of completing that goal is terrifying. If I stick to that plan, my chance to explore the world will be over in four years. Four years!! There's too much I want to do, too much I want to see to be settling in one place so soon.

No, I'm going to go to grad school in the northeast and study something interesting. Maybe music. Maybe not. I've always found other cultures fascinating, so maybe I'll study anthropology instead. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll stay up north and work in a book store. Maybe I'll take some night classes so I can finally learn all those languages I've been dying to learn. I'll save up some money and buy a one-way ticket to London. I'll start there and work my way around Western Europe. Maybe I'll go to Eastern Europe, too. Maybe I'll fall in love with someone there and decide to stay. Or maybe I'll just get burned out and come home, instead. Maybe I'll do all of it. Maybe I'll do none of it.

Maybe my life will be over in four years, after all.

(I can't even begin to tell you how frightening that prospect is.)

The uncertainty of the future the scariest thing I face right now. For now, I'll just concentrate on the tasks set before me and hope my life doesn't end before I want it to.

I'm just an escapist who wants to get away and never look back.